Walk

Last week one of my readers responded to my request for topics with the following question, “If you had to face down one of your 3 largest fears tomorrow, what would it be, and what plan of action would you take?”

I spent a good amount of time pondering this question, primarily to identify my 3 largest fears.  Largely I came up blank. I am not fearless, but as a general rule I try not to allow fear to hold me back.

I can think of one instance in which fear held me back from completely something I wanted to do.  In this particular case, we were at the county fair in San Diego.  In the previous years we had noticed the bungee jumping crane and how fun it would be to do it.  This was the year we were going to bungee jump.  I went first.  They attached the foot harness and hoisted the basket up to the nauseating height in which I was to jump from.

Having watched other jumpers, I knew the routine.  The crane hoists you to the top.  A few words between you and the attendant manning the basket.  They open the gate, you lean out over the edge while holding on to the cage behind you, and they count down from 3.  On one, most people hesitate for a slight moment and then let go.  Simple.

Once the attendant opened the gate, and I was leaning over the side, I couldn’t let go.  He counted down a few times. I couldn’t do it.  I came back into the basket. The attendant tried to reassure me everything was going to be ok.  After some deliberation, he offered that he could count down and then give me a firm push, “helping” me jump.  I told him, I would likely throw him out of the basket if he touched me.

I agreed that I would try again.  He opened the gate, I leaned forward, and he counted down.  When he got to one, crickets.  I simply couldn’t do it.   Somewhat humiliated, I had the attendant take me down in the basket.   10 minutes later, Brian jumped successfully.

In retrospect, there were two things working against me.  I’m not particularly fond of man-made heights.  I never have been.  Put me on a single track trail on the side of a mountain, I’m fine.  Put me in a glass elevator on the outside of a tall building and I have good deal of unwarranted anxiety.   The second issue, I started playing the “what if” game with my self.  What if something goes wrong?  What if I die?  We have all played it.  It’s generally a no win game.

The mentor who taught me to firewalk, Tolly Burkan,  tells a story of him skydiving for the first time. He was mortified of heights, and he decided he would face his fear by skydiving.  Once in the air, he started playing the “what if” game.  Moments before he jumped, he was shaking in fear, felt nauseous, but proceeded to the door of the airplane.  Thoughts raced through his head, “You’re going to die!  You’re going to be injured!”  At that moment, he screamed out loud, “So WHAT!” and he jumped.

Since that day, he has no longer been afraid of heights.  His desire to overcome his fear was stronger than the fear itself.

In many cases, I think this is all that is necessary to overcome your fears.  Your yearning to overcome them is stronger than your fear, allowing you to move past the fear to accomplish your goal.

When you really think about it, our fears are unsubstantiated.  We build worst case scenarios on risks our mind exaggerates.  The scenario we build is often enough to prohibit moving forward.

My experience with both participating and leading firewalks, I have learned a great deal about fear.  Firewalks teach you to face your fear (all humans are inherently afraid of fire), embrace it, set it aside, and proceed.   Is there potential for being burned?  Absolutely, and I have been, once.  Out of over 20 walks, I would say those are pretty good odds.   Staring down a 12 foot firewalk the mind invents A LOT of what ifs.  My favorite, when asking participants their worst fear about walking on fire, “My feet will burst into flame!”

After successfully navigating a firewalk, your own limiting beliefs about fear begin to change.  You no longer view fear within the same frame-work.  You have just proven a fundamental belief wrong, particularly with such a strongly engrained belief as “fire burns.”

If I had to face down one of my three largest fears tomorrow.  First I would assess if this is something I really need to overcome.  Is this holding me back from something I truly wish to accomplish.  Second, I would assess “why” I am afraid.  Is this based on real or imagined fear.  Have I had a negative experience with this in the past?  If so, how will this time be different?  Imagined fear is derived from what-ifs.  To overcome what ifs, you must determine if you are accurately representing the risk involved.  And finally, set aside those fears and take action.

As humans, we have evolved to fear things.  To move beyond our fears, we have another wonderful trait called courage.  We can never eliminate all fears, but with courage we can overcome.

If you have a particular issue you are struggling with, feel free to contact me.  I would be happy to provide my 2 cents.

As always, your mileage may vary.

Live courageously.

As a result of my recent time in the wilderness, a few people following my blog have reached out to me to ask my advise.  These individuals shall, of course, remain confidential.  Based on my writings, they have seen some of the clarity and realizations I have reached.  They are hungry to reignite their own passions in life, or find their way again.

I spent some time pondering this very issue myself.  In one of my encounters on the trail, I ran across a gentleman in his mid 30 named Haiku.  He spent a good amount of time in his 20’s and early 30s building a tech company.  He poured his heart and soul into the company, often working 18 hour days, 6 to 7 days a week.  As a result of his dedication, his marriage ended abruptly in divorce, and his social life was non-existent.  After spending 8 years, engulfed in his work he reached the inevitable point of burnout.

In doing a life inventory, he found his social life was non-existent, his love life in shambles, and his work life, which had fueled him for so long, he now no longer found fulfilling.  He sought out a drastic change.  In 2013 he separated from his company leaving it to his business partners, and started out on the Appalachian trail.  As he lamented to me, his mentality when starting out on the AT was, “I am going to complete this regardless of the consequences.”

From the sharpness of his stare when he made that statement, you could tell he was reliving the moment.  From what I gathered, “regardless of the consequences”, included dying.  He completed the trail and had found peace.  While hiking the AT, he decided he also wanted to complete the PCT, but considering he completed the AT in late 2013 there really wasn’t time to thoroughly plan for the PCT.  So he put it off until 2015.  Which is where I had the good fortune of meeting him and sharing a day of conversation with him.

Over the course of the day, I learned his next career path is one of becoming a counselor.  He wants to go back to school and receive his credentials, and then take clients and or groups into the back country for a little nature therapy.  I told my story of having unwound several years worth of stress anxiety bitter and jadedness.  He was elated at my story, as it was basically proof of concept for what he wanted to do.  The only difference, my therapy was self guided.

With the permission of the person whom asked I will share the story of one of my friends.  One of the friends who confided in me he had lost his passion has a somewhat similar story. His story does not read quite as extreme.  He has always been one to maintain his social circle, but never found himself romantically fulfilled.  He would often state he was married to his work.

Over the years, his career has evolved and devolved in certain ways.  Recently he moved back to San Diego, reversing a decision he had made several years before to relocate.  He had assumed his social life would go back to the “way it was” when he previously called San Diego home.  When he left the company he was working for, his work had become less fulfilling and reward, but more demanding.  He no longer had the passion to pour as much time and effort into it without the reward.

Today, he finds himself in a similar career, working less hours, and occasionally too few hours, causing some financial stress.  When he returned to San Diego, he found the relationships he had left were different, or had evaporated altogether.  And now that he is no longer married to his work, he finds the lack of any romantic involvement unsatisfying.  His message to me, “My fire has dimmed, and I need to figure out how to reignite my passions.”

My advise to anyone who might be struggling with the questions, “what’s next?” or “I’ve lost my passion.”  Or “I’m simply lost.” is simple.  Go for a month long hike!   Just kidding.  While it has proved invaluable to me, it’s neither feasible, nor interesting to everyone.  No, the advise I would offer is different from simply going for a hike.  It does however contain the same elements.

The advise I would give is this, find something beyond your comfortable level, or outside your realm of normality and go do it.  You need to at least find it moderately interesting, and you should do it alone (meaning without your current friends or family members)  It doesn’t have to be huge.  You don’t have to make a ton of changes to your life.  You don’t have to devote huge amounts of time to it, but go do something different.

There are about a million different things you could do, but here is a short list of things to give ideas

• Take a cooking class
• Join an intramural sports team
• Join a book club
• Volunteer at a local organization (Hospice, big brothers/sisters, LGBT center, etc etc)
• Take an art class
• Take up running
• Go for a Hike! (sorry couldn’t resist)
• Take a yoga class

Stepping outside of your comfort zone and trying something new does numerous things.

Doing it alone, allows you to escape the patterns you are currently in, and removes the influence of friends or family.  Even with the best intentions, they may sway your beliefs about something before you even start. It will also give you “alone” time even if its with a group of other people.

With it being something new, there will be a learning curve.  I have found people generally enjoy learning new things.  It gets their mind working, which has sometimes been long dormant with the patterns of every day life.

It will introduce you to new people, spawning new friendships and potential romantic relationships.  The individuals you meet will automatically have something in common with you!

These are but a few of the benefits.

Often, those in a rut, or finding themselves unfulfilled with their current “life” don’t need such an extreme reboot as Haiku.  We often dwell on what makes us unhappy, and expand it.  If we directed even half this energy on a new project or pattern, our joy and fulfillment expands.  We no longer find the job we have unbearable, because suddenly, that horrible job provides the means to participate in an endeavor we do find rewarding.

By no means am I saying you should stay in a job you hate, but you get the point.

As with all my writings, your mileage my vary.

I would love feedback if you find this useful.  Feel free to email me directly if you like.  diverja@gmail.com